5 Myths About Couples Therapy That Keep People from Getting Help

Relationship researcher John Gottman has documented that couples wait an average of six years after serious problems emerge before seeking therapy. Six years.

Part of this is the natural human tendency to hope things will improve on their own. But part of it is that couples therapy has a reputation problem — a set of widespread beliefs that make people reluctant to go, or to go too late. Most of these beliefs are wrong.

Myth 1: “Couples therapy is where you go to break up nicely.”

This is perhaps the most persistent myth. Many people believe couples therapy is effectively a mediated ending — a place to have difficult conversations with a referee before separating.

The research doesn't support this. Evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) — developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, show recovery rates of 70-73% for couples in distress, with 90% showing significant improvement. The Gottman Method similarly has strong evidence for reducing negative patterns and improving relationship satisfaction and stability.

Couples therapy can help you separate more constructively, if separation is what you decide. But it is primarily a tool for rebuilding — and when it's done well, with both partners engaged, it is often effective.

Myth 2: “Both people have to want to go.”

Not exactly. One motivated partner can produce meaningful change. Research on “unilateral therapy” — working with a single partner in a couple's relationship — shows that individual work focused on relationship dynamics can change couple patterns even when only one person is in therapy.

And often, one partner's resistance softens once therapy begins and they see that it isn't what they feared — a space where they'll be blamed, ganged up on, or pressured to change in ways that don't feel authentic.

Myth 3: “The therapist will take sides.”

A well-trained couples therapist is a system therapist — they are working with the relationship, not either individual. Their job is to understand the patterns and dynamics between two people, not to determine who is right.

This doesn't mean everything is always equally distributed. Sometimes one partner's behaviour is clearly more damaging to the relationship. A good therapist can name this directly while maintaining a working alliance with both people — this is part of the skill of couples work.

What a couples therapist won't do is be weaponized by one partner against the other, or simply validate one person's narrative of events. If you find that happening, it's a sign of poor technique, not couples therapy generally.

Myth 4: “You only go when things are really bad.”

This one is backwards. Gottman's research identified what he called the “Four Horsemen” — patterns that are highly predictive of relationship breakdown: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns become more entrenched over time. The earlier couples get help, the more the relationship hasn't solidified into these patterns, the better the outcomes.

Preventive or early-intervention couples therapy — going before things are really bad — is consistently associated with better outcomes than crisis-mode therapy. Waiting until you're in the later stages of the Four Horsemen dynamics makes the work harder and longer.

Myth 5: “Talking about problems just makes them worse.”

Unstructured conflict does often make things worse. Going over the same argument again without new information, insight, or a different way of engaging — that is unlikely to help. But this is not what good couples therapy is. Effective couples therapy doesn't just create a space for conflict. It creates a different quality of conversation — slowed down, facilitated, attended to emotionally — that allows for the kind of understanding that doesn't happen in ordinary conflict.

The goal of EFT, for example, is not to resolve every conflict but to change the emotional bond underlying the conflict — to help partners feel safer with each other, so that the conflicts become less charged and more navigable.

Andrew Garnet MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker with 18 years of experience in Scarborough, Ontario. Andrew specializes in trauma therapy, EMDR, men's mental health, and support for first responders and veterans. Full bio →